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UX Frustrations and Blaming One's Self

UX Frustrations and Blaming One's Self
"Interestingly, many people do experience difficulties, but explain them away by blaming themselves." Donald A. Norman The Design of Everyday Things: Revised and Expanded Edition

I have been rereading The Design of Everyday Things by Donald A Norman. I read it many years ago. Learning and insights happen through spaced repetition for multiple reasons. Spaced repetition does not necessarily mean reading entire books. Rereading annotations, notes, and highlights all count as spaced repetition.

So why reread a book I’ve already read?

One of my favorite theories is that learning is like a tree with leaves or nodes. On the first pass, there is only a root node; therefore, the depth of understanding is shallow - the number of precisely one, representing the amount of knowledge and experience that can be retained. If the subject is adjacent or related to another topic, maybe it's a pivot from one or more nodes in that tree. Even so, the initial pass will only yield a high-level understanding.

If each node can grow two nodes - as one learns and gains nodes, more nodes at a deeper level can be acquired. Timothy Kenny details this far better than my small summary and image below.

The graphic is a hierarchical tree-structured diagram that begins with a single node at the top, labeled "Just starting to learn.” Two nodes, labeled "Learned some things,” branch downwards from the initial node, one to the left and one to the right. Each of these two nodes further branches into two separate nodes, each labeled "Learned some more things.” This forms a final row of four nodes. Thus, the graphic visually represents a process of learning and knowledge expansion.
The graphic is a hierarchical tree-structured diagram that begins with a single node at the top, labeled "Just starting to learn.” Two nodes, labeled "Learned some things,” branch downwards from the initial node, one to the left and one to the right. Each of these two nodes further branches into two separate nodes, each labeled "Learned some more things.” This forms a final row of four nodes. Thus, the graphic visually represents a process of learning and knowledge expansion.

Regardless of the node theory, I notice different things when I reread a book. Topics and quotes that were inspiring before may not hold the same value. For instance, I started studying control theory a couple of years back. The word control has a vastly different meaning than the first time I read the book. I intend to write about other insights in other articles. The discussion for this one directly relates to my experience on Tuesday, July 12, 2023, the quote I read later that evening, and general things on my mind.

One of my lifelong goals is to improve my reactivity and emotional regulation. I want to be frustrated, process the frustration internally, and not have my frustration affect the people around me. I have been diving deep into my thought process this week to determine the root cause of my frustration, the automatic thoughts that follow, and ultimately the release of that frustration. As a note, when I am frustrated, I wear it on my sleeve. The volume of my voice is louder, and my words may be more terse and snappy. Screaming into a pillow feels appropriate, though sometimes a pillow isn’t around. I’m not trying to direct my frustrations toward the people around me, but when someone is frustrated and has real-world manifestations, it affects them. In my drive to improve, I’m not trying to ignore my feelings - my feelings are valid. I want to be more calm through the frustration. (And also, as a side note, improve my ability to show vulnerability).

So what happened Tuesday, July 12, 2023? We needed to go to the grocery store. I grabbed my keys and wallet, and we walked out the door. We opened the car door, sat down in the oh-so-hot car, and I pressed the button to turn on my car.

Latisha McNeel. Midjourney. Wednesday, July 12, 2023. A black and white comic sketch shows a woman in sunglasses sitting on the left side of a car driving with a man on the right-hand passenger side with his arm on the door. This image highlighted some of the fallacies of AI generation. The algorithm struggled to generate a woman driver with a man passenger, and when it did, it generated a car with the steering wheel on the left. There will be more articles on Midjourney in the future.
Latisha McNeel. Midjourney. Wednesday, July 12, 2023. A black and white comic sketch shows a woman in sunglasses sitting on the left side of a car driving with a man on the right-hand passenger side with his arm on the door. This image highlighted some of the fallacies of AI generation. The algorithm struggled to generate a woman driver with a man passenger, and when it did, it generated a car with the steering wheel on the left. There will be more articles on Midjourney in the future.

The dashboard had several warning lights, a check engine, automatic sensors turned off, and a white car on a wavy line. I didn’t know what the white car on a wavy line meant. I pulled out my phone to find out. Years ago, we would have pulled out the book that came with the car. I don’t even know if I have one of those now. I imagine looking in the dashboard, pulling out the book, and opening to a page with a QR code for the online version. Nothing more ironic than trying to solve a problem in one medium and being redirected to another medium that may or may not be available.

I searched for the icon, and Google was speedy at bringing up the results. Once I clicked on a page, things went downhill. The page loaded quickly, but only with some text and some ads. The core part of what I needed would not load. I decided the page was terrible. Went back to the results. Tapped on the following link that looked like it would provide success. This page didn’t even load. Do I have internet issues?

This would have been a great moment to see something about my slow and spotty connection. Or for my cell phone carrier to realize my wifi was not functioning and switch to cell service. Instead, I looked at the top of my phone. The wifi did look like it might be the issue. I opened my settings and toggled off my wifi. To turn off wifi, I must swipe down on the status bar, find the settings icon, click on the settings icon, find the network option, and then toggle off the switch. I understand that cell providers and consumers want to be on wifi and don’t want it accidentally turned off. The journey to the wifi toggle feels convoluted.

I went back to my search results. No feedback that I know I didn’t have access to the internet. I expected the cell phone service would pick up where the wifi ended immediately. What happened was more pages that didn’t load and zero feedback from my phone that I still didn’t have internet. And by this point, I was frustrated.

Latisha McNeel. Midjourney. Wednesday, July 12, 2023. Black and white comic sketch of a woman holding a cell phone with both hands looking up with wide eyes, raised eyebrows, and an open mouth. How Midjourney sees frustrated looks more afraid and fearful than frustrated to me.
Latisha McNeel. Midjourney. Wednesday, July 12, 2023. Black and white comic sketch of a woman holding a cell phone with both hands looking up with wide eyes, raised eyebrows, and an open mouth. How Midjourney sees frustrated looks more afraid and fearful than frustrated to me.

In my frustration, I let out an exclamation. My car had weird icons indicating something was wrong, and I didn’t know what they meant. My internet was not working. Too long, but soon enough, my phone's internet started working, and I discovered that the icon meant X-mode was turned on.

In my 2018 Subaru, turning on and off x-mode was by the shifter in the middle of the car. I looked down. Shifter, parking brake, no x-mode. I thought I remembered the guy who gave me a walk-through of my car, showing me on the left-hand side by the door. I looked at the options - just the door in the back. My husband starts googling to find where x-mode is. I tap the car icon on the middle screen to flip through those options. Nothing that looks like the icon or with text “X-mode.” My husband comes around to my side of the car and checks the area to the left of me that I checked. Nothing. I’m more frustrated.

In all fairness, this is a very frustrating situation. An unknown icon, followed by a device that did not provide adequate feedback on the problem, followed by the inability to find where the setting is located in my car. Eventually, I found the setting - it was underneath an option that was turned on, and it was grayed out. I have an appointment with the dealership to find out what is causing all the lights.

Latisha McNeel. Midjourney. Wednesday, July 12, 2023. A black and white comic sketch shows a woman sitting in a four-poster bed holding an Ipad/paper and reading by candlelight. A candelabra sits on a fireplace mantel in front of a painting in the background.
Latisha McNeel. Midjourney. Wednesday, July 12, 2023. Black and white comic sketch of a woman reading in a four-poster bed by candlelight

Later that evening, I’m sitting in bed reading The Design of Everyday Things by Donald Norman.

I highlighted, “Interestedly, many people do experience difficulties, but explain them away by blaming themselves.” The quote summarized a previous section and resonated. Earlier in the day, when I was so frustrated over my phone and my car that I exclaimed out loud, did I also blame myself? In those moments, I never wondered why the car would have so many icons that require a manual to interpret. When looking for the x-mode option, I did not wonder why Subaru obfuscated the x-mode option. I thought I have been driving this car for how many years and have no idea where to locate the x-mode option.

And then, that one line unlocked so much about my frustrations - moments when I struggle to regulate and accept my emotions and not affect those around me. I struggle the most when I feel like I’ve failed. I know I take myself too seriously. That thought has been rattling around like a pinball. “Maybe you should stop taking yourself so seriously.” Maybe, maybe not. I have very short patience for my failures. The inability to figure out an interface and complete a task without clicking 500 other things. The inability to react quickly and stop a mouse click on a new push notification.

Even if, out loud, even if analytically, I recognize lousy design, I ultimately blame myself for failing to understand or overcome bad design. That one quote helped along a root cause analysis of why I get so frustrated sometimes. And maybe, next time I start to feel frustrated, I can take a step back, recognize the bad design and not blame myself for something so hard to get right.

As one last note, much like many people, I am considerably less kind to myself than others. I mentioned, even if analytically, I recognize that the root cause is not my fault, I still end up blaming myself - I don’t ever see that same perspective with someone else. I find it much easier to be objective when coaching or teaching. I also realized with that previous sentence that I’ve thought about coaching myself.

Latisha McNeel

Latisha McNeel